I will check in for a breif update. I am very tired so I probably cannot take this very far.

I had a rough couple weeks with "Sam" just in terms of communication. Somehow I am really attracted to aloof guys that dont communicate well. I guess its one of those "date your father" type things, because my dad is like that. Sam doesnt really seem that way at first but he is. He's impossible to read. He acted like a jerk and bailed on me a couple days in a row so I decided it was time to have a conversation. He communicates well when you make him. I told him how I was feeling and he validated that and appologized and let me know where he was feeling- I mean as well as a guy can communicate that kind of thing. I am such an easy and efficient communicator of my feelings I get so frustrated with aloofness. I am pretty straightforward in that sense. Anyways that went well and when we had a party yesterday it was the first time I had seen him since I called him on his bullshit, and he was insanely hot for me. I think my empowered womanly direct conversation turned him on. It was awesome.

Anyways we had a party last night that was pretty fun but the better part of it was today, the day after the party all day hangout funfest with friends. A little morning lovin', bright yellow sunlight streaming through the window on the warm body next to me, coffee and chocolatine pastries in bed, Bry cleaned the whole house before the rest of us got out of bed. C&D came over and we had a hilarious first breakfast of pastries and juice, then 6 of us piled uncomfortably into C&Ds car and went to get breakfast sandwiches at a little cafe. As usual we were the loud people in a previously quiet room, laughing and having very open conversation. I laughed and laughed and laughed all day, and laughed while drinking coffee and a nasty mess of regurgitated coffee and snot and teary fitful laughter insued. It was fabulous. Then I returned home and watched family guy with bryan, then an episode of twin peaks, then C&D picked us up and took us to the Kennedy School soaking tubs and we soaked in the hot mineral baths for an hour, and arrived home to find that bry had made an amazing spread of food so we had a wonderful dinner with friends and fun and joy and, for once, no booze! Lovely
Anyways that was great. No profound thoughts for today, just deleriously tired and content.
 

It's probably time for another post now.

Things continue to be well. "Sam" took me on a wonderful date the other day where we went to the Arboretum and he taught me to identify conifers and we soaked in the moist warm wonderful feeling of being in a forest. I had nearly forgotten how wonderful it feels to be surrounded by tall trees and rich earth. I spent so much of my time growing up in forests, it just struck me upon entering one that I dont remember the last time I have had the pleasure of standing amidst dense trees with pine needles under foot. I then remembered 'I live in the pacific north west now! Summertime is going to rule!'. I am definitely looking forward to my first camping trip out here.
We have another date tomorrow evening for Mexican food. I am delighting in "Sam" and the interests we share, and all that we learn from one another.

Dinner at Beast was amazing. Unfortunately Bryan was sick and I was a bit sick, but we tried to ignore it and enjoyed the incredible flavours before us. I LOVE food and wine!

School and life have been going well and things are hopeful and new and beautiful as usual.

Unfortunately, last evening I faced one of the greatest horrors that I have been dreading. One that I inevidably knew I would have to face, but not so soon, and not with someone who I knew so well. One of my classmates from anatomy and physiology lost her baby at full gestation when she went into labour on Sunday. Her happy and healthy little guy was strong and solid, unfortunately there was an undetectable abnormality in the umbilical cord and when her waters broke so did the bloodflow to the baby. He died within minutes. My dear friend birthed her baby still several hours later.
The depth of her greif I cannot imagine. In the 9 months of a pregnancy mothers adapt to the idea of becoming a mother, prepare, get excited, fall in love. Their breasts fill with milk and their maternal hormones prepare for the bond that is about to occur... and then a loss so great that anyone who hasnt experienced it just cannot fathom... And for her, in the context of preparing to become a midwife, the first birth experience she has ever had in her life has resulted in the biggest loss of her life. To overcome such a thing with be an enormous challenge. Though if one person can, it is she. 
This is a big painful lesson for all of her classmates.

Another emotional thing I have been grappling with is the issue of my dad's dad. He is unwell, and has been essentially slowly killing himself with misery and poor self care since my grandmother died. I have been compassionate as I can but I am finding now that I am apathetic. He has spent my father's entire life degrading and demeaning him, though I only really came to understand this recently. I am out of compassion. For the first time in my life I cannot muster up the love to reach out to him. I am just ignoring him, and allowing my anger to exist, which I dont think is unhealthy, but its unnerving. Relinquishing the feeling of obligitory love towards someone and allowing anger to exist towards a person in my family, especially a grandparent is very unfamiliar to me.  I am not sure where to go with this emotionally right now, so I am just sitting with it.

And I've been a bit messy and lazy lately but other than those things I am very well.


 

"...know that your people will judge you based on what you can build, not what you can destroy."

Thanks for this Obama. I loved this phrase probably the most about Obama's inaugeral speech today.  It is a reflection of the paradigm that needs to evolve in America, a country that wages "war on drugs" "war on terror" "war on poverty" rather than a building up of people and community and resources and hope to prevent the use of drugs, to treat the use and trade of drugs, to build peace with as little force as possible, with communication and cultural understanding, to build infrastructure to prevent poverty, to give each person the opportunity to prosper, or at least survive. These are the values that are supposed to be the backbone of this country. These are the values that have been lost and need to be restored.  It is the same attitude found in western and allopathic medicine. Squash and attack the disease and the symptom, rather than prevent it, and build up a body strong enough to fight it off itsself. Build up a country that can overcome all, that can prosper and defend itsself with merit and integrity rather than allow its citizens to become empoverished and apathetic, and flex its muscles with its undeserved and stolen wealth.

George Orwell wrote an essay that hugely influenced the way I think about communication, education and power. This essay is called "Politic's and the English Language". It discusses the way that we have adopted ellusive and vague language to obscure meaning, ellude the public and gain power. The use of meaningless slogans and jargon is discussed and this was something that really annoyed me most, other than the pro-life shit, about the republican party in this election. Sarah Palin scarecely made a statement that did not include one of these meaningless political catch phrases.

Obama uses language to reach each and every person in this country, not to confuse or alienate the poor, speak double meanings, make vague promises. Obama  uses language to lead, to inspire, and to inform. If Obama does nothing else his entire presidency he has brought a new hope to this country, and he has engaged those, through his inclusive communication and his incredible nature, that are generally otherwise alienated and ignored by the political process and the presedency.

Obama intends to build, where Bush intended to destroy. There is a difference-a huge difference. 

I am almost laughing at myself. My teenaged self would hate me for believing so heartily in someone, in the man. I must admit, and the cynics will laugh at me, that I believe in this man and I trust him. I have never genuinely trusted a political figure. I dont think he is just a smooth talker, and I dont think he is just special because he is the first black president. I think he is special because he shows intellegence, kindness, wisdom, and leadership that I have never truly seen in a political figure before. I of all people hate things and people that are hyped up, but for once there is a real reason for this hype. Obama will be great for this country, and I feel so blessed to have arrived here at this amazing political moment. 

Welcome, Obama.

I've got to keep writing. Its like a meditation or yoga practice. It makes me feel so much clearer about everything, though right now everything feels very clear to me.

One very nice realization that I've had recently is that I have never been more socially comfortable with a group of friends than I have been with nearly every group of friends I've made in Portland. I feel like I can been my funny silly self with them, like they respect my work a lot (always my problem in Montreal) and like they just sort of embrace who I am. I already feel appreciated and known by these people. Its amazing. They are so fun and lively. I am so lucky to have landed amongst such gentle and genuine people. I guess I am a little more Pacific Northwest than I originally thought.

Things with the boy- lets call him Sam for the sake of secret identities- are going well, we seem to be seeing a lot of eachother. He has been very "boyfriendy" towards me, even in front of his roomates and friends at public places like shows... its nice. He's lovely. I feel very level headed about all of this. Its the first time I've ventured into a what I am considering to be the beginning of a relationship as an adult. I am surprised at how much easier it is to date without teenage-ish hormonal emotions. Its literally been almost 4 years since Ive had anything beyond a love affair/fling, and its  starting to look like more than that.... In any case I am seeing Sam tonight and tomorrow night and am starting to feel like maybe we should discuss where this is going. Our friends are starting to get excited about it and I am feeling the need to check in and see what pages we are both on. I am into playing it by ear, day by day, but am definitely enjoying him a lot.

Next saturday my roomate and my aunt and uncle and some friends are going out to a restaurant in Portland called Beast. It was named Restaurant of the Year 2008... Its a prix fixe, menu fixe restaurant. Here is this weeks menu (not what we will be eating next week) but I am sooooooo excited. Bryan and I are absolutely obsessed with food and this place is supposed to be top shelf.

MUSHROOM VELOUTÉ
HAZELNUT SALSA VERDE

CHARCUTERIE PLATE:
FOIE-GRAS BON-BON, SAUTERNES GELEÉ
STEAK TARTARE & QUAIL EGG TOAST
PORK, PORK LIVER, SOUR CHERRY & PISTACHIO PATE
CHICKEN LIVER MOUSSE, MAPLE CANDIED BACON

SEARED CATTAIL CREEK LAMB LOIN-CHOP
FRENCH WHITE BEANS WITH TOMATO & ROSEMARY
OLIVE, PARSLEY AND CAPER SALSA
GARLICY WILTED CHARD

HEARTS OF ROMAINE, BUTTERY CROUTONS
ANCHOVY & SEVILLE ORANGE VINAIGRETTE

~SELECTION OF STEVE’S CHEESE~
CRACKED PEPPER & FLEUR DE SEL SHORTBREAD
LOCAL APPLE , POACHED FRUIT & CANDIED HAZELNUTS

CITRUS MERINGUE TART
CANDIED GRAPEFRUIT

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo excited. The company will be good.

This weekend will be great too. Tonight is Kareoke for my friends birthday, then a show the next night.

i have started my classes and am loving getting back into holistic healing. I tried some hydrotherapy techniques on my roomate the other night and am pleased that they worked and I am getting my essential oil collection together. Ready to attend some births....

I've been informed that I am going to be playing some music with my very talented lady friends soon so I need to go practice... Piano!
 

Today is definitely the day to post.

It is 12 hrs past midnight and the last 24 hrs have been positively heavenly.

Lets start out with yesterday.

I spent the day with my best lady Chelsea, which regardless of anything is always a joy. We picked up our books at Birthingway and observed the nervous energy of  the place, pending the decision of the 2009 midwifery cohort. At 5pm I met with three other applicants and wonderful friends to eat food, drink wine and summon a bit of good energy for our potential acceptance. My goal was just to ensure that Birthingway was able to see us all for who we are, knowing that to know any of us, they would know what we could offer to the school. Each of my friends who I was with are genuinely some of the most beautiful reverable people who I would be honored to have attend my own birth (I would NOT say that about a lot of people!). I just felt that Birthingway need only understand us to know what we could offer to the school. After the dinner I met Chelsea and Derek and headed to a show downtown, to some suprise (not total) we ran into the love interest that seems to have evolved in this new year. He was charming, handsome and lovely as ever and I was very pleased to see him. I noticed that he smelled destinctly like trees, and I soaked in his earthy loveliness(he is an arborist so it is no suprise that he smelled like trees). I feel very much like my connection with a person is based on smell. In any case he rambled home with me after the show and spent the night.

I woke up this morning to the smell of trees and my flannel sheets and felt wonderful, I knew the Birthingway decision had been made and did not know what it was yet, and was nervous but so glad to have such a lovely distraction. We enjoyed one another and made a leasurely breakfast listening to The Velvet Underground, and then Sam Cooke and retold travel stories. I also got a package in the mail from a family friend with his CD in it, which as nice. We then ventured out to Hawthorne vintage shopping and book perusing and herb purchasing, all the while chatting and getting to know one another better, flirting in stores... It was a very pleasant morning and I felt pretty positive as I was leaving his side to return home to work on my writing projects and study. I kissed him goodday and started walking and checked my cell phone, finding that I had missed a call from Birthingway. I called him back, knowing that an early afternoon phone call from Birthingway was a very good sign! I needed to have someone to hug and kiss should it be a call of acceptance.
When I called I did not reach Rhonda but Brittney who said "well, Rhonda is not here but I know why she was callling. Congratulatons, you have been accepted to Birthingway!!" She proceeded to tell me details about classes and things and I completely ignored her, too excited to focus, knowing that it would all be in writing on my enrollment package. I actually yelled, while still on the phone 'HOLY FUCK, IM IN!" Brittney laughed and was kind and sweet and I jumped on the spot, kissed the boy and started my walk home. It was raining pretty substancially but I did not care. I sobbed and laughed and I think that the people I passed on the street must have thought I was mad. I was frantically trying to contact my friends and family and no one would answer. When I finally spoke to Renee I was beside myself with joy. Eventually I reached my mom and dad and they both sounded so happy and proud. Hearing the sound of pride in my father's voice has always meant so much.

I spent my afternoon frantically calling my friends who had supported me and nurtured me through all of this and thanking them and sharing my joy. At one point I called one of the other applicants as promised to find that she hadn't heard and became worried about my friends. Regardless this was a happy moment, but I felt like if my friends didn't get in it was a huge error in judgement from the school, or an oversight, or a lack of understanding.... In any case they still havent heard from the school and I am still crossing my fingers that they have been accepted but for what ever reason just did not hear yet.

Eventually I felt exhausted and fell asleep to harry potter. I woke when Cara arrived home and we giggled and gossiped and chatted and once Andrea arrived here we went to the shop to buy latex free condoms, cat food and champagne! When the boys arrived home we celebrated with champagne and a toast and Terry and I played Scrabble and though I lost I managed to get the word 'Vagina' on the board so I was happy! I am now hitting the hay feeling like this was quite possibly one of the best days of my life.

Also I had a prospective pp client who found out she did not need to have a caesarean and I am soooooooooooo happy for her!

Best day ever. Seriously. Ruled.

Cant wait to see the boy again... and go to school.... :D
 

It is definitely time for an update. The last few weeks have been so full, so vibrant, so challenging, exhausting, frustrating and joyful.

The year ended with serious conflicts with my now former landlord/roomate, where I learned some very valuable lessons about interactions with people regarding money, human nature, and how I interact with others. I am pleased to say that, in reality it has all ended well, and not the way I would have originally chosen it to have gone. I am glad to enter 2009 without debts, animosity and unfinished contracts. I am free to enter a new year, for the first time in a long time debt free. I have no overdue bills, no credit card debt, no unpaid rent, no unfullfilled obligations. I am starting fresh with a desire to earn money and come back to a place where I am supporting myself once again, and repay some of the informal debts of the last months to my family who is working hard to put me through school and support me through a bad economy.

This brings me to a very interesting little story brought to me by a dear friend who is a catholic. I am not sure whether the concept itsself is catholic but it is not something I personally have come across in my very secular universe. My friend was explaining that there is a belief that life comes in 7 year cycles. That we spend six years sewing seeds, nourishing crops, fertilizing soil, and on the seventh year we harvest the fruits of our labours and passions. 2009 is apparently a harvest year. I welcome this thought, as in my case this would be very accurate. The last six years have been a lot of me putting myself into building this life, this goal of becoming a midwife student and starting my own business, and a birth collective that has the potential of becoming something really powerful and transformative. I would love to harvest my crops this year: to be accepted to Birthingway, to find success in my business ventures and advocacy for healthier more sacred birth. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am to have come this far in this amazing journey, to acheive these successes this year would be absolutely incredible. I have worked hard to become prepared for this, and I believe that I am. I feel that given the challenge and responsibility of these opportunities I will rise to the occaision and prove my passion, my dedication and my ability.

So it is with confidence, hope and excitement that I endeavour into this new year. 2008 was a tremendously challenging year, and I hope that this one might be a bit kinder.

So far it is off to a good start. Christmas was as loving, vibrant and beautiful an occasion as anyone could ask for. It was the most magical christmas since I was a child. I find a great deal of joy in large celebrations for the holidays so the fact that we had two christmas dinners, each with over ten people, was wonderful. It was a celebration focused around food and friends rather than gifts (though I am thoroughly enjoying the use of my new henkel knife set!), and was truly festive and joyous.

Days before new years I moved into a wonderful new house. The house is old and charming and filled with the spirit of the people in it. There are frequent guests coming and going and I awake each morning to soft discussion in the kitchen outside my room. This may not be a perk for some people, but right now the presence of many wonderful beings around me is welcomed. We had a new years party that will go down in history as one of the greatest parties that I personally have ever attended, let alone hosted. It was fun and lively and happy. There was a lot of dancing and fun and everyone was completely respectful and great! Looking at the pictures from the party I am amazed that after only four months here I already have such wonderful friends. I am blessed. 
A very hot new years kiss, and then some helped a lot as well! ;)

So I am going into the new year on the right foot. The doula collective has its first meeting coming up and Birthingway's decision will be made in the next week, and my new classes at birthingway start soon! All is well and good so far.

Happy New Year!
 

This exaggerated hip swing,
The rocking of my own cradle;
Relaxin relaxes my joints into soft sensual submission,
Allowing me to open, open, open.

How did I get here?
Oxytocic orgasm,
Estrogen and Progesterone, mounting, mounting, mounting,
Leaving me cry, cry, crying, over spilt milk.

How did I know I was here?
HCG whispered it in my ear
Two blue lines, in parallel
The tell tale sign, that every woman anticipates and fears.

Oxytocin awakes me at 2am,
I feel the pulling
The downward force
My body is moving
...without my permission.

Still, it says yes, and asks for more.
More oxytocin... more....
More pain, more force.

The hours go by...
I pace and dance
With my relaxin hip swing.

I feel the baby drop down

                                                Down

                                                                Down.

Prostaglandins are massaging my cervix,
Softer, thinner,
Creating gentle passage for my child.

Down and through he slides...

Just when I think I can take no more,
When I can do no more to birth my child.
Endorphin release...

Things get less sharp...
The sights, the sounds, the pain.
Suddenly it is just me
And this child... Working together, a team.

Finally the time is coming
Rushes of oxytocin are overwhelming
I feel a rush of urgency and fear
Catecholomines.

Noradrenaline is telling me to get this baby out...

So I push...
My heart pounds and I push....

                                                And I push...
And the child bursts forth, and lies before me...
Shakes its head and begins to scream.

I feel something come over me,
Something I never knew I could feel
Overwhelming love, intoxicating....

I hold my child on my chest,
He slowly bobs towards my breast.
I watch him with tears in my eyes.
Prolactin and oxytocin bring me so close to my child.

These hormones have made me a mother today.

Here I am, in my room still in my pyjamas half awaiting a text message that will cancel my Christmas shopping plans downtown with Chelsea... they will probably be cancelled for the dusting of a bit of snow that has happened this morning.
I understand that Oregon is not equipped to deal with snow, I understand there are not enough ploughs and sand trucks and people dont know how to drive in it and blah blah blah. Its just driving me nuts. It just seems so miniscule... i would never hesitate to drive in these conditions, they are fine. Its a nice day in eastern Canada when its like this. Its a day when I would grab my friends and go skating, and skiing. But everyone keeps talking about how cold it is and how crazy the snow is  and that chains are required to drive on the highway... I have never put chains on my tires before... The other night my roomate even made us leave our tap on overnight so the pipes wouldnt freeze. It was like -8 degrees celcius... May has seen colder days in Montreal. I just cant stand all the talk about it and how things are all shut down and I have shit to do.

I am just getting cabin fever... because I am starting to hate my house, and how inaccessible everything is from here in a "snow storm"... but mostly the fact that my roomate persists in being a fucking icequeen to me a week after I told her I am moving out, and is giving me the destinct impression that she is not going to get friendlier.  I dont want to live with someone who hates me. Really, I dont. So I just realized that I have to pack everything up this weekend, because when I get back from holidays I am going to move. Crazy. I am not really ready and I dont really have time, but I would like to get out of here sooner than later because my roomate is treating me like shit and I dont want to deal with it anymore.

anyways, I have more christmas cards to complete and I have to get ready so I look classy enough to shop in the pearl district (with no money?)

 

....Sounds like a great book title.

A very old and dear friend came to visit me this week. We have been friends almost ten years and have never entered into any sort of romantic endeavors. This visit, for some reason, was different. I sensed it coming too... for a while before he showed up.... I dont know why.

I have just come out of it staggering.

He left this morning and it felt simultaniously like relief and a punch in the gut, amplified by the fact that I had long forgotten about the emotions rolled up in a love affair... and never experienced the emotions that go along with having one with one of your best friends. It happened the first night he was here. Almost ten years of sleeping in the same bed, the backs of vehicles, tents, and never had it really occured to me that anything sexual ever would or should happen. What was different this time?

Now I am trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It was wonderful, respectful, generous and kind. It was so easy and comfortable... at first. About day 3 of our adventure I began to feel insecure, wondering if I was being too intense, wondering if it would change the way he saw me, whether he lost respect for me. Silly thoughts, really. Why would he? He, of all people? He is one of the most evolved people I know. Wonderful, understanding, emotionally intellegent. The realization was about me. I became insecure, I got weird and emotional along with the sex. ME!
I guess there was a lot wrapped up in it. I realized just how far away from home I was and just how long it was going to be before I saw him, or any of the people I love, again... but still, I was unnerved about how insecure I became, generally fairly unlike me...Overly analytical and paranoid... with the last person in the world I should be like that with. Anyways it freaked me out and I dont know what to conclude from that.

Anyways, in the end it was a good thing, a great thing really. I enjoyed him and needed to feel some love and affection, as can be seen from my previous post. I know that it did not harm our friendship and I was happy to have such a safe, gentle, and loving relationship for 5 days...we must be thankful for all that we get!

I am just feeling his leaving a little deeper than normal because, in some ways, it resonated all of the things that I left behind back home.  It's going to take a lot of years to have so much richness here as I had there... it will come... but after a lot of time...

I had an interesting observation about the whole experience. I love him. I would never previously hesitate to say that because I do, he is one of my dearest friends and I care deeply for him, but now I cannot really say that, since engaging with him romantically if I say I love him it means I am 'in love' with him... and what is the difference after you have engaged in a sexual relationship with someone you love?
I dont really know.

Anyways now I really hope only random mostly-strangers read this blog.... It seems a bit strange to write about this on the internet. Its semi-anonymous. Its about my experiences... I guess I am just getting a bit more daring with my choice of venue for expressing myself.  Unfortunately, I find I have few people to talk to about this kind of thing these days and my blog is a great place for me to express it.