Sage Naissance

Breif update

2009-02-23T07:58:52Z

I will check in for a breif update. I am very tired so I probably cannot take this very far.

I had a rough couple weeks with "Sam" just in terms of communication. Somehow I am really attracted to aloof guys that dont communicate well. I guess its one of those "date your father" type things, because my dad is like that. Sam doesnt really seem that way at first but he is. He's impossible to read. He acted like a jerk and bailed on me a couple days in a row so I decided it was time to have a conversation. He communicates well when you make him. I told him how I was feeling and he validated that and appologized and let me know where he was feeling- I mean as well as a guy can communicate that kind of thing. I am such an easy and efficient communicator of my feelings I get so frustrated with aloofness. I am pretty straightforward in that sense. Anyways that went well and when we had a party yesterday it was the first time I had seen him since I called him on his bullshit, and he was insanely hot for me. I think my empowered womanly direct conversation turned him on. It was awesome.

Anyways we had a party last night that was pretty fun but the better part of it was today, the day after the party all day hangout funfest with friends. A little morning lovin', bright yellow sunlight streaming through the window on the warm body next to me, coffee and chocolatine pastries in bed, Bry cleaned the whole house before the rest of us got out of bed. C&D came over and we had a hilarious first breakfast of pastries and juice, then 6 of us piled uncomfortably into C&Ds car and went to get breakfast sandwiches at a little cafe. As usual we were the loud people in a previously quiet room, laughing and having very open conversation. I laughed and laughed and laughed all day, and laughed while drinking coffee and a nasty mess of regurgitated coffee and snot and teary fitful laughter insued. It was fabulous. Then I returned home and watched family guy with bryan, then an episode of twin peaks, then C&D picked us up and took us to the Kennedy School soaking tubs and we soaked in the hot mineral baths for an hour, and arrived home to find that bry had made an amazing spread of food so we had a wonderful dinner with friends and fun and joy and, for once, no booze! Lovely
Anyways that was great. No profound thoughts for today, just deleriously tired and content.

Joys and challenges

2009-01-28T22:52:10Z

It's probably time for another post now.

Things continue to be well. "Sam" took me on a wonderful date the other day where we went to the Arboretum and he taught me to identify conifers and we soaked in the moist warm wonderful feeling of being in a forest. I had nearly forgotten how wonderful it feels to be surrounded by tall trees and rich earth. I spent so much of my time growing up in forests, it just struck me upon entering one that I dont remember the last time I have had the pleasure of standing amidst dense trees with pine needles under foot. I then remembered 'I live in the pacific north west now! Summertime is going to rule!'. I am definitely looking forward to my first camping trip out here.
We have another date tomorrow evening for Mexican food. I am delighting in "Sam" and the interests we share, and all that we learn from one another.

Dinner at Beast was amazing. Unfortunately Bryan was sick and I was a bit sick, but we tried to ignore it and enjoyed the incredible flavours before us. I LOVE food and wine!

School and life have been going well and things are hopeful and new and beautiful as usual.

Unfortunately, last evening I faced one of the greatest horrors that I have been dreading. One that I inevidably knew I would have to face, but not so soon, and not with someone who I knew so well. One of my classmates from anatomy and physiology lost her baby at full gestation when she went into labour on Sunday. Her happy and healthy little guy was strong and solid, unfortunately there was an undetectable abnormality in the umbilical cord and when her waters broke so did the bloodflow to the baby. He died within minutes. My dear friend birthed her baby still several hours later.
The depth of her greif I cannot imagine. In the 9 months of a pregnancy mothers adapt to the idea of becoming a mother, prepare, get excited, fall in love. Their breasts fill with milk and their maternal hormones prepare for the bond that is about to occur... and then a loss so great that anyone who hasnt experienced it just cannot fathom... And for her, in the context of preparing to become a midwife, the first birth experience she has ever had in her life has resulted in the biggest loss of her life. To overcome such a thing with be an enormous challenge. Though if one person can, it is she.
This is a big painful lesson for all of her classmates.

Another emotional thing I have been grappling with is the issue of my dad's dad. He is unwell, and has been essentially slowly killing himself with misery and poor self care since my grandmother died. I have been compassionate as I can but I am finding now that I am apathetic. He has spent my father's entire life degrading and demeaning him, though I only really came to understand this recently. I am out of compassion. For the first time in my life I cannot muster up the love to reach out to him. I am just ignoring him, and allowing my anger to exist, which I dont think is unhealthy, but its unnerving. Relinquishing the feeling of obligitory love towards someone and allowing anger to exist towards a person in my family, especially a grandparent is very unfamiliar to me. I am not sure where to go with this emotionally right now, so I am just sitting with it.

And I've been a bit messy and lazy lately but other than those things I am very well.

Happy Obama day

2009-01-20T19:36:35Z

"...know that your people will judge you based on what you can build, not what you can destroy."

Thanks for this Obama. I loved this phrase probably the most about Obama's inaugeral speech today. It is a reflection of the paradigm that needs to evolve in America, a country that wages "war on drugs" "war on terror" "war on poverty" rather than a building up of people and community and resources and hope to prevent the use of drugs, to treat the use and trade of drugs, to build peace with as little force as possible, with communication and cultural understanding, to build infrastructure to prevent poverty, to give each person the opportunity to prosper, or at least survive. These are the values that are supposed to be the backbone of this country. These are the values that have been lost and need to be restored. It is the same attitude found in western and allopathic medicine. Squash and attack the disease and the symptom, rather than prevent it, and build up a body strong enough to fight it off itsself. Build up a country that can overcome all, that can prosper and defend itsself with merit and integrity rather than allow its citizens to become empoverished and apathetic, and flex its muscles with its undeserved and stolen wealth.

George Orwell wrote an essay that hugely influenced the way I think about communication, education and power. This essay is called "Politic's and the English Language". It discusses the way that we have adopted ellusive and vague language to obscure meaning, ellude the public and gain power. The use of meaningless slogans and jargon is discussed and this was something that really annoyed me most, other than the pro-life shit, about the republican party in this election. Sarah Palin scarecely made a statement that did not include one of these meaningless political catch phrases.

Obama uses language to reach each and every person in this country, not to confuse or alienate the poor, speak double meanings, make vague promises. Obama uses language to lead, to inspire, and to inform. If Obama does nothing else his entire presidency he has brought a new hope to this country, and he has engaged those, through his inclusive communication and his incredible nature, that are generally otherwise alienated and ignored by the political process and the presedency.

Obama intends to build, where Bush intended to destroy. There is a difference-a huge difference.

I am almost laughing at myself. My teenaged self would hate me for believing so heartily in someone, in the man. I must admit, and the cynics will laugh at me, that I believe in this man and I trust him. I have never genuinely trusted a political figure. I dont think he is just a smooth talker, and I dont think he is just special because he is the first black president. I think he is special because he shows intellegence, kindness, wisdom, and leadership that I have never truly seen in a political figure before. I of all people hate things and people that are hyped up, but for once there is a real reason for this hype. Obama will be great for this country, and I feel so blessed to have arrived here at this amazing political moment.

Welcome, Obama.

Still going strong...

2009-01-17T20:38:30Z

I've got to keep writing. Its like a meditation or yoga practice. It makes me feel so much clearer about everything, though right now everything feels very clear to me.

One very nice realization that I've had recently is that I have never been more socially comfortable with a group of friends than I have been with nearly every group of friends I've made in Portland. I feel like I can been my funny silly self with them, like they respect my work a lot (always my problem in Montreal) and like they just sort of embrace who I am. I already feel appreciated and known by these people. Its amazing. They are so fun and lively. I am so lucky to have landed amongst such gentle and genuine people. I guess I am a little more Pacific Northwest than I originally thought.

Things with the boy- lets call him Sam for the sake of secret identities- are going well, we seem to be seeing a lot of eachother. He has been very "boyfriendy" towards me, even in front of his roomates and friends at public places like shows... its nice. He's lovely. I feel very level headed about all of this. Its the first time I've ventured into a what I am considering to be the beginning of a relationship as an adult. I am surprised at how much easier it is to date without teenage-ish hormonal emotions. Its literally been almost 4 years since Ive had anything beyond a love affair/fling, and its starting to look like more than that.... In any case I am seeing Sam tonight and tomorrow night and am starting to feel like maybe we should discuss where this is going. Our friends are starting to get excited about it and I am feeling the need to check in and see what pages we are both on. I am into playing it by ear, day by day, but am definitely enjoying him a lot.

Next saturday my roomate and my aunt and uncle and some friends are going out to a restaurant in Portland called Beast. It was named Restaurant of the Year 2008... Its a prix fixe, menu fixe restaurant. Here is this weeks menu (not what we will be eating next week) but I am sooooooo excited. Bryan and I are absolutely obsessed with food and this place is supposed to be top shelf.

MUSHROOM VELOUTÉ
HAZELNUT SALSA VERDE

CHARCUTERIE PLATE:
FOIE-GRAS BON-BON, SAUTERNES GELEÉ
STEAK TARTARE & QUAIL EGG TOAST
PORK, PORK LIVER, SOUR CHERRY & PISTACHIO PATE
CHICKEN LIVER MOUSSE, MAPLE CANDIED BACON

SEARED CATTAIL CREEK LAMB LOIN-CHOP
FRENCH WHITE BEANS WITH TOMATO & ROSEMARY
OLIVE, PARSLEY AND CAPER SALSA
GARLICY WILTED CHARD

HEARTS OF ROMAINE, BUTTERY CROUTONS
ANCHOVY & SEVILLE ORANGE VINAIGRETTE

~SELECTION OF STEVE’S CHEESE~
CRACKED PEPPER & FLEUR DE SEL SHORTBREAD
LOCAL APPLE , POACHED FRUIT & CANDIED HAZELNUTS

CITRUS MERINGUE TART
CANDIED GRAPEFRUIT

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo excited. The company will be good.

This weekend will be great too. Tonight is Kareoke for my friends birthday, then a show the next night.

i have started my classes and am loving getting back into holistic healing. I tried some hydrotherapy techniques on my roomate the other night and am pleased that they worked and I am getting my essential oil collection together. Ready to attend some births....

I've been informed that I am going to be playing some music with my very talented lady friends soon so I need to go practice... Piano!

The Perfect Day

2009-01-08T08:36:36Z

Today is definitely the day to post.

It is 12 hrs past midnight and the last 24 hrs have been positively heavenly.

Lets start out with yesterday.

I spent the day with my best lady Chelsea, which regardless of anything is always a joy. We picked up our books at Birthingway and observed the nervous energy of the place, pending the decision of the 2009 midwifery cohort. At 5pm I met with three other applicants and wonderful friends to eat food, drink wine and summon a bit of good energy for our potential acceptance. My goal was just to ensure that Birthingway was able to see us all for who we are, knowing that to know any of us, they would know what we could offer to the school. Each of my friends who I was with are genuinely some of the most beautiful reverable people who I would be honored to have attend my own birth (I would NOT say that about a lot of people!). I just felt that Birthingway need only understand us to know what we could offer to the school. After the dinner I met Chelsea and Derek and headed to a show downtown, to some suprise (not total) we ran into the love interest that seems to have evolved in this new year. He was charming, handsome and lovely as ever and I was very pleased to see him. I noticed that he smelled destinctly like trees, and I soaked in his earthy loveliness(he is an arborist so it is no suprise that he smelled like trees). I feel very much like my connection with a person is based on smell. In any case he rambled home with me after the show and spent the night.

I woke up this morning to the smell of trees and my flannel sheets and felt wonderful, I knew the Birthingway decision had been made and did not know what it was yet, and was nervous but so glad to have such a lovely distraction. We enjoyed one another and made a leasurely breakfast listening to The Velvet Underground, and then Sam Cooke and retold travel stories. I also got a package in the mail from a family friend with his CD in it, which as nice. We then ventured out to Hawthorne vintage shopping and book perusing and herb purchasing, all the while chatting and getting to know one another better, flirting in stores... It was a very pleasant morning and I felt pretty positive as I was leaving his side to return home to work on my writing projects and study. I kissed him goodday and started walking and checked my cell phone, finding that I had missed a call from Birthingway. I called him back, knowing that an early afternoon phone call from Birthingway was a very good sign! I needed to have someone to hug and kiss should it be a call of acceptance.
When I called I did not reach Rhonda but Brittney who said "well, Rhonda is not here but I know why she was callling. Congratulatons, you have been accepted to Birthingway!!" She proceeded to tell me details about classes and things and I completely ignored her, too excited to focus, knowing that it would all be in writing on my enrollment package. I actually yelled, while still on the phone 'HOLY FUCK, IM IN!" Brittney laughed and was kind and sweet and I jumped on the spot, kissed the boy and started my walk home. It was raining pretty substancially but I did not care. I sobbed and laughed and I think that the people I passed on the street must have thought I was mad. I was frantically trying to contact my friends and family and no one would answer. When I finally spoke to Renee I was beside myself with joy. Eventually I reached my mom and dad and they both sounded so happy and proud. Hearing the sound of pride in my father's voice has always meant so much.

I spent my afternoon frantically calling my friends who had supported me and nurtured me through all of this and thanking them and sharing my joy. At one point I called one of the other applicants as promised to find that she hadn't heard and became worried about my friends. Regardless this was a happy moment, but I felt like if my friends didn't get in it was a huge error in judgement from the school, or an oversight, or a lack of understanding.... In any case they still havent heard from the school and I am still crossing my fingers that they have been accepted but for what ever reason just did not hear yet.

Eventually I felt exhausted and fell asleep to harry potter. I woke when Cara arrived home and we giggled and gossiped and chatted and once Andrea arrived here we went to the shop to buy latex free condoms, cat food and champagne! When the boys arrived home we celebrated with champagne and a toast and Terry and I played Scrabble and though I lost I managed to get the word 'Vagina' on the board so I was happy! I am now hitting the hay feeling like this was quite possibly one of the best days of my life.

Also I had a prospective pp client who found out she did not need to have a caesarean and I am soooooooooooo happy for her!

Best day ever. Seriously. Ruled.

Cant wait to see the boy again... and go to school.... :D

A harvest year

2009-01-04T00:40:20Z

It is definitely time for an update. The last few weeks have been so full, so vibrant, so challenging, exhausting, frustrating and joyful.

The year ended with serious conflicts with my now former landlord/roomate, where I learned some very valuable lessons about interactions with people regarding money, human nature, and how I interact with others. I am pleased to say that, in reality it has all ended well, and not the way I would have originally chosen it to have gone. I am glad to enter 2009 without debts, animosity and unfinished contracts. I am free to enter a new year, for the first time in a long time debt free. I have no overdue bills, no credit card debt, no unpaid rent, no unfullfilled obligations. I am starting fresh with a desire to earn money and come back to a place where I am supporting myself once again, and repay some of the informal debts of the last months to my family who is working hard to put me through school and support me through a bad economy.

This brings me to a very interesting little story brought to me by a dear friend who is a catholic. I am not sure whether the concept itsself is catholic but it is not something I personally have come across in my very secular universe. My friend was explaining that there is a belief that life comes in 7 year cycles. That we spend six years sewing seeds, nourishing crops, fertilizing soil, and on the seventh year we harvest the fruits of our labours and passions. 2009 is apparently a harvest year. I welcome this thought, as in my case this would be very accurate. The last six years have been a lot of me putting myself into building this life, this goal of becoming a midwife student and starting my own business, and a birth collective that has the potential of becoming something really powerful and transformative. I would love to harvest my crops this year: to be accepted to Birthingway, to find success in my business ventures and advocacy for healthier more sacred birth. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am to have come this far in this amazing journey, to acheive these successes this year would be absolutely incredible. I have worked hard to become prepared for this, and I believe that I am. I feel that given the challenge and responsibility of these opportunities I will rise to the occaision and prove my passion, my dedication and my ability.

So it is with confidence, hope and excitement that I endeavour into this new year. 2008 was a tremendously challenging year, and I hope that this one might be a bit kinder.

So far it is off to a good start. Christmas was as loving, vibrant and beautiful an occasion as anyone could ask for. It was the most magical christmas since I was a child. I find a great deal of joy in large celebrations for the holidays so the fact that we had two christmas dinners, each with over ten people, was wonderful. It was a celebration focused around food and friends rather than gifts (though I am thoroughly enjoying the use of my new henkel knife set!), and was truly festive and joyous.

Days before new years I moved into a wonderful new house. The house is old and charming and filled with the spirit of the people in it. There are frequent guests coming and going and I awake each morning to soft discussion in the kitchen outside my room. This may not be a perk for some people, but right now the presence of many wonderful beings around me is welcomed. We had a new years party that will go down in history as one of the greatest parties that I personally have ever attended, let alone hosted. It was fun and lively and happy. There was a lot of dancing and fun and everyone was completely respectful and great! Looking at the pictures from the party I am amazed that after only four months here I already have such wonderful friends. I am blessed.
A very hot new years kiss, and then some helped a lot as well! ;)

So I am going into the new year on the right foot. The doula collective has its first meeting coming up and Birthingway's decision will be made in the next week, and my new classes at birthingway start soon! All is well and good so far.

Happy New Year!

Endochrine Birth Poetry

2008-12-23T20:41:35Z

I wrote this poem about the relationship between the endochrine system and birth for my Anatomy and Physiology class and in the end I am rather proud of it, so I will post it here for fun. Enjoy

This exaggerated hip swing,
The rocking of my own cradle;
Relaxin relaxes my joints into soft sensual submission,
Allowing me to open, open, open.

How did I get here?
Oxytocic orgasm,
Estrogen and Progesterone, mounting, mounting, mounting,
Leaving me cry, cry, crying, over spilt milk.

How did I know I was here?
HCG whispered it in my ear
Two blue lines, in parallel
The tell tale sign, that every woman anticipates and fears.

Oxytocin awakes me at 2am,
I feel the pulling
The downward force
My body is moving
...without my permission.

Still, it says yes, and asks for more.
More oxytocin... more....
More pain, more force.

The hours go by...
I pace and dance
With my relaxin hip swing.

I feel the baby drop down

Down

Down.

Prostaglandins are massaging my cervix,
Softer, thinner,
Creating gentle passage for my child.

Down and through he slides...

Just when I think I can take no more,
When I can do no more to birth my child.
Endorphin release...

Things get less sharp...
The sights, the sounds, the pain.
Suddenly it is just me
And this child... Working together, a team.

Finally the time is coming
Rushes of oxytocin are overwhelming
I feel a rush of urgency and fear
Catecholomines.

Noradrenaline is telling me to get this baby out...

So I push...
My heart pounds and I push....

And I push...
And the child bursts forth, and lies before me...
Shakes its head and begins to scream.

I feel something come over me,
Something I never knew I could feel
Overwhelming love, intoxicating....

I hold my child on my chest,
He slowly bobs towards my breast.
I watch him with tears in my eyes.
Prolactin and oxytocin bring me so close to my child.

These hormones have made me a mother today.

Cabin Fever....

2008-12-17T19:47:36Z

Here I am, in my room still in my pyjamas half awaiting a text message that will cancel my Christmas shopping plans downtown with Chelsea... they will probably be cancelled for the dusting of a bit of snow that has happened this morning.
I understand that Oregon is not equipped to deal with snow, I understand there are not enough ploughs and sand trucks and people dont know how to drive in it and blah blah blah. Its just driving me nuts. It just seems so miniscule... i would never hesitate to drive in these conditions, they are fine. Its a nice day in eastern Canada when its like this. Its a day when I would grab my friends and go skating, and skiing. But everyone keeps talking about how cold it is and how crazy the snow is and that chains are required to drive on the highway... I have never put chains on my tires before... The other night my roomate even made us leave our tap on overnight so the pipes wouldnt freeze. It was like -8 degrees celcius... May has seen colder days in Montreal. I just cant stand all the talk about it and how things are all shut down and I have shit to do.

I am just getting cabin fever... because I am starting to hate my house, and how inaccessible everything is from here in a "snow storm"... but mostly the fact that my roomate persists in being a fucking icequeen to me a week after I told her I am moving out, and is giving me the destinct impression that she is not going to get friendlier. I dont want to live with someone who hates me. Really, I dont. So I just realized that I have to pack everything up this weekend, because when I get back from holidays I am going to move. Crazy. I am not really ready and I dont really have time, but I would like to get out of here sooner than later because my roomate is treating me like shit and I dont want to deal with it anymore.

anyways, I have more christmas cards to complete and I have to get ready so I look classy enough to shop in the pearl district (with no money?)

"Life threatening" OBGYN shortage in Canada "Maternity Crisis"

2008-12-07T00:23:21Z

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20081205.wldoctors05/BNStory/specialScienceandHealth/home
http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/12/04/obstetrics.html

Its always strange when these news stories just pop up all of a sudden. This is no new crisis, and about every 6 months some media source or Obstetrical or medical organization makes light of it in the news.

It IS serious. My friends and clients in Canada have all struggled in one way or another to get adequate health care services for their births. Its why doulas in some ways are bridging the gap in Montreal... often having to help monitor nutrition, and spot signs and symptoms of problems in pregnancy and birth, that are missed by busy physicians. Its a role that doulas ideally do not have to play, because it's not our job...

Each of these news articles mentions the potential life threatening shortage of OBs and breifly mentions at the end how an increase in midwives, family physicians, nurses, and nurse practitioners would help the problem, that a revised maternity care system involving the managment of normal pregnancies and births by midwives and family physicians can prevent the inavailability of OBs to do their real job. OBs are not specialists in normal births, and frankly I believe most of them would prefer not to work with normal birth. I certainly would prefer if they didn't.... their skills are far better employed in complicated pregnancies. Funny enough(not really), most pregnant women dont realize that for their normal natural birth they would be better served by a family physician or midwife.

This maternity crisis was definitely made obvious to me when I nearly caught the baby of one of my clients at the hospital, a nurse got there just in time to do it herself... and the client did not see a physician for over an hour and a half after the birth. Fortunately, hers was a very normal and wonderful birth that did not require any suturing or medical attention.

Birth is safe and natural, but in the hospital is often medically meddled with and iatrogenic complications and dystocias occur, and if an obstetrician is unable to attend to the needs of a woman who is having a complicated delivery, the health of mother and child is at risk. This risk could be decreased by having fewer labours meddled with by using midwives and family physicians to manage normal pregnancies, and by reducing the number of standard and unnecessary interventions in hospitals, and of course, getting normal birth out of the hospital where possible.

Each time I read one of these articles I am pleased to see that mainstream media is suggesting the improvement of the maternity care system by increasing access to midwifery care, however little is being done to actually improve it. It is managable... possible... It may take several years but a better system can certainly worked out. My criticisms are most prominently directed towards the Quebec system.
(Quebecers:correct me if any of my facts are whacked out or out of date)Midwives in Quebec must be employed by a Birthing Centre. Unlike Ontario, midwives cannot be freestanding agents, working in their own established collectives. Birthing centres must be created and funded by the province, and the province is not adequately funding them. Apparently more people are graduating from the Trois Rivieres midwifery program than can be employed by Quebec birthing centres, and midwives are forced to go out of province(or country) for work (challenging, since the midwifery program is in french, most Quebec-trained midwives are francophone). The government is apparently openning several new birthing centres over the next ten years, which is great however I think that Quebec should make it possible for midwives to have their own practices, their pay should be improved to be comprable to that of Ontario, and midwives from other countries and education should be encouraged to practice in Canada. Some steps to this might be creating programs to get foreign midwives up to Canadian standards, creating nurse-midwifery programs, similar to those in the united states, etc.

I am no expert on health care policy, and perhaps I am unaware of some of the beaurocratic challenges that exist in Canadian healthcare, but things can certainly be improved, midwifery programs must be expanded, particularly in Quebec(hopefully an English option made available). I just know that women in Canada, and particularly in Quebec should not be forced to choose between having an unwanted hospital birth with an OB, or going underground and paying out of pocket to lay midwives(God bless them!).
My heart goes out to all of the women who cannot get access to good maternity care, and to the amazing and skilled midwives who are unable to legally work in Quebec, or in the rest of Canada. There is much work to be done, and you all are the amazing agents of change who are doing it. Advocates for safe maternity care have really turned things around in North America already, and continue to. It is my hope that one day I will be able to look at the two countries that I have trained and worked in and be proud of our maternity care. It is possible...

Stumbling into and out of a love affair in less than a week....

2008-12-06T03:38:43Z

....Sounds like a great book title.

A very old and dear friend came to visit me this week. We have been friends almost ten years and have never entered into any sort of romantic endeavors. This visit, for some reason, was different. I sensed it coming too... for a while before he showed up.... I dont know why.

I have just come out of it staggering.

He left this morning and it felt simultaniously like relief and a punch in the gut, amplified by the fact that I had long forgotten about the emotions rolled up in a love affair... and never experienced the emotions that go along with having one with one of your best friends. It happened the first night he was here. Almost ten years of sleeping in the same bed, the backs of vehicles, tents, and never had it really occured to me that anything sexual ever would or should happen. What was different this time?

Now I am trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It was wonderful, respectful, generous and kind. It was so easy and comfortable... at first. About day 3 of our adventure I began to feel insecure, wondering if I was being too intense, wondering if it would change the way he saw me, whether he lost respect for me. Silly thoughts, really. Why would he? He, of all people? He is one of the most evolved people I know. Wonderful, understanding, emotionally intellegent. The realization was about me. I became insecure, I got weird and emotional along with the sex. ME!
I guess there was a lot wrapped up in it. I realized just how far away from home I was and just how long it was going to be before I saw him, or any of the people I love, again... but still, I was unnerved about how insecure I became, generally fairly unlike me...Overly analytical and paranoid... with the last person in the world I should be like that with. Anyways it freaked me out and I dont know what to conclude from that.

Anyways, in the end it was a good thing, a great thing really. I enjoyed him and needed to feel some love and affection, as can be seen from my previous post. I know that it did not harm our friendship and I was happy to have such a safe, gentle, and loving relationship for 5 days...we must be thankful for all that we get!

I am just feeling his leaving a little deeper than normal because, in some ways, it resonated all of the things that I left behind back home. It's going to take a lot of years to have so much richness here as I had there... it will come... but after a lot of time...

I had an interesting observation about the whole experience. I love him. I would never previously hesitate to say that because I do, he is one of my dearest friends and I care deeply for him, but now I cannot really say that, since engaging with him romantically if I say I love him it means I am 'in love' with him... and what is the difference after you have engaged in a sexual relationship with someone you love?
I dont really know.

Anyways now I really hope only random mostly-strangers read this blog.... It seems a bit strange to write about this on the internet. Its semi-anonymous. Its about my experiences... I guess I am just getting a bit more daring with my choice of venue for expressing myself. Unfortunately, I find I have few people to talk to about this kind of thing these days and my blog is a great place for me to express it.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T07:59:13Z

Time for another entry.
I dont write as often as I should. Truth is I am writing for myself. I am not sure if anyone indulges me by reading this, but that doesnt really matter, I actually dont care either way. I am actually writing for me, which feels nice.

I just watched the most extremely cheeseball romantic comedy on TV. Really, it was over the top... but somehow these days all of these things stir me. I simply cannot stifle the insane crushes on television and movie characters. It feels exactly like when I was twelve.... funny enough, I am watching some of the same characters I swooned over at that age.... I just revived Beverly Hills 90210 and my love for Dylan and Brandon rages on... to the mix have been added Dexter, and (get this) Sean from Niptuck(thats right, not Christian but sean)...

Now, I have been single for about three years now, give or take some months, with a few dates or hookups here and there. The loneliness only hit recently. After my last relationship my need for that kind of thing was largely satisfied by an extremely intense friendship, which, fortunately, at some point was dismantled for my benefit(still a dear friend, just different). After that it was time for some serious figuring shit out. Some REAL alone time, reflection, facing everything it is so easy to avoid in an intense partnership of any kind. Over the last two years I have become one of the most seriously independant people, almost a hermit at times... perhaps a bit socially timid.... but definitely myself. I am pretty happy with who I look at in the mirror. My alone time has allowed me to make the rash but passionate decisions I have made to decide what I really want and get on with it. No sacrifices for other people, no seeking approval, just completely self-serving, self-motivated behaviour. I am so glad for this. I am glad I gave myself some real time to be completely self absorbed. I think one of the main reasons I can be so socially akward with strangers is because I have become so self involved it is hard to think about anything but my wants and needs. But it needed to be that way. For once, I needed to be the most important person in the world to me.

So now I am here. I am fairly self satistfied. I generally feel like I look good, like I am smart and compotent, funny at times. Generally a likeable person. I am now secure enough in myself to at least consider the trial of venturing into the challenge of engaging in a functional adult relationship (a lot of adjectives, I know). Alas, here I am. No longer any impediments, no reasons not to get involved, no reasons not to at least have one measly date.... and.... nothing. I havent met a single person I even want to date, nor has a single person (even that I dont want to date) show any interest in me(that is other than this awful afro haird gentleman at a bar- admittedly, I looked fantastic). But really, I am ready for something, anything, it doesnt even have to be amazing and wonderful... just something... someone to keep my feet warm at night.

I tend to not like to voice this genuine feeling of loneliness, because, well, its pathetic. The most sorry and sad of human emotions.
Lonliness is like boredom, it feels like it's more of a character flaw. It's a weakness because you cant amuse yourself, you are not creative enough to figure it out. But I've been patient with myself for long enough to know that it is not a character flaw. Something is still holding myself and a prospective partner apart.... I have no idea what that is. How much more soul searching can I do? I long to be in love again... three years and a lot of personal growth since my heart took the hatchet last time. I am ready to take this on again! Come on universe! BRING IT ON!

Other than that, I am recovering from the exhaustion of applying for the midwifery program. Still tieing up a few loose ends but thankful that I am figuring things out and feel like Portland will eventually feel like home. I decided just a few days ago to start my business up full swing and so my energies will soon go that direction.

It is Thanksgiving, so in the spirit of the season, and in the spirit of my blog posts I will go ahead and provide an extended version of my thank you list. Today I am thankful for:

Beautiful yarn colours
Pumpkin pie and turkey
My family
CBS.com and its full selection of old episodes of 90210 available for immediate streaming... Seriously

My excedingly generous, inviting and loving friends Chelsea and Derek
The opportunity to be in Portland learning from amazing women and to work as a doula again
My wonderful education in all of its forms
My warm and lively semi-communal and affordable winter housing in a great neighbourhood with wonderful people(this one hasn't made itself visible yet but its out there)
My dear friend Andrew who is making his way south to see my any day now
my piano
Strength and motivation(more to come in this area soon)
the lack of wintery snowiness
Celebrating holidays with family and festive wonderful people
Alfie-my soul mate/cat
The support of the amazing people around me
My health, and delicious nutritious food
My school
The kindness of strangers

Thats all for now, though there are many more things. I could list them for days. There is much to be thankful for this year.

wow, I am not normally so heart-on-sleeve on this thing but hey-this thing is for me.

Updates

2008-11-06T21:43:59Z

It is time to write again.

Election
An Obama victory warrants an entry in itself.

Thank God. I was so afraid, so truly afraid that McCain would win, my distaste for him grew exponentially each day that the election went on, for a few core reasons: his total condescention and snarkiness towards Obama, the threat he posed to a woman's right to choose, and his choice of Sarah Palin as VP as a representation of the kind of decisions he would make as president.

Mainly, I was fearful of seeing my rights as a woman to choose to have a child or not, not that it is likely that if faced with that decision I would choose to terminate a pregnancy. However, the thought of all of the amazing women I have known who have been faced with this problem, to give up their promising futures for a future that they do not want, not for now, to be forced to bring a child into the world is devistating. Women who do not want to have children should not be forced to have them. There are enough unwanted, neglected, and abused children in this world without eliminating a woman's right to choose. And besides that problem the main thing is that it is a womans RIGHT. No one has the right to tell me whether I should have a child, nor how I should have that child.

This issue really actually assults the core of who I am. I am a woman who has chosen to defend the rights of women to make their own choices regarding bringing babies into the world, to make, what are in our culture controvercial and unorthodox decisions as to how to birth and parent our children: whether it is to terminate pregnancies, homebirth, breastfeed for extended periods, not vaccinate or circumcize. Whatever those decisions are, they are to be made within the family after careful consideration and education, not made by the government on a broad, sweeping basis, based on religious values that do not reflect the religious values of each individual family.

So, right now I am really thanking the forces that be, which I guess are the American people who voted for change, for an election that has preserved womens rights. I am thankful that America has elected someone inspiring, intellegent, and forward thinking.
There has been so much talk about how America has elected the first black president, which is great, but to me it is moreso that America has elected the first president that I find inspiring, someone that I actually like and respect wil be running this country. I am so thankful.

Other than the joy of an Obama victory there are many things to write about.

Sense of self
This evening I have my second job interview at 'The Herb Shoppe'. I am feeling fortunate that I have this opportunity to try to represent myself again, however I am so exhausted from interviewing. I feel as though so much of my interaction these days have been me trying to represent myself to other people. No one here knows me, really knows me. Even my family here doesnt know me all that well, they are still learning who I am. I feel I always have to be on, to show myself in a positive light. I miss having my friends around me who really know who I am. This move has been extremely challenging for me, and as a result I am a little depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and not my best, so the people around me are seeing that and getting that as a representation of who I am, because they know nothing else. If I were going through this at home, my wonderful friends would just hug me and bring over a bottle of wine and a board game and see me through it.

I am so exhausted by representing myself all the time! So I hope that I get this job, then I will have my Birthingway interview in a few days and I will be done formally putting myself out there and I can try to get back into just being.

Other than that I am absolutely enamoured with my anatomy and physiology study. I have never been so intersted in school, nor so good at it. This is truly amazing.

High School Friends

I've recently started to connect, oddly, with some of my mother and aunts friends from high school. This has been a very interesting process, because I am so close with my family, and their friends have always been my friends, rather like my family growing up, but this Atlanta high school crowd are sort of the missing link. These people were all so neat and unique and my mom loved them so much, and it is just recently that they have all reconnected for the first time in over twenty years. Strangely, and most tragically, shortly after reconnecting one of them died. He was an enigmatic and brilliant man that has always caused my mother and aunt to get a nostalgic twinkle in their eye. He died in such a strange way, the same way that he lived. Anyhow, its been very strange to talk to all of these very cool people, who find it a total trip that there highschool friends daughter is an adult(most of them, if they had kids, have only far more recently).
Speaking of high school friends, one of my dearest closest, most kindred friends is going to be visiting me in Portland in the coming months. He is precicely what I need right now: someone who has known and loved me for almost ten years.

Death and Family.
Death has been somehow more present for me lately, I guess that is a natural thing when working with life. I have been spending a lot of time with the husband and daughter of an incredible woman who took her own life almost two years ago. The young girl is ten, and so wonderful, she is spirited and beautiful and brave. Spending time with her makes me so happy, and at the same time, I look at her and my heart aches knowing that her mother left her, and that she will forever feel that wound. I am twenty two years old, and I still need my mother. I need her in a very different way than I ever have, but I need her. This girl needs her mother too. The woman's husband is wonderful, and trying so hard to make this work. He is trying to be strong, despite being unable to save the woman he loved; to raise and heal a daughter by himself, he focuses so much on healing her, he has not been able to heal himself.

However, these people are picking up the pieces, their friends are helping them, and slowly they heal and grow. They form a new, larger family, as I am. I am here by myself with my extended family, but I feel I am starting to forge a very large and strangely shaped family of kind, wonderful people who just need some support and love.

Speaking of family, it is so tremendously cool to watch my brother going through his first few months in university, growing up and developing his mind. It seems he thinks I am less of a jerk or a dork or whatever he thinks I am, these days, and is more willing to engage on an emotional and intellectual level with me. I miss him and wish I could see him more through this transformative time, but somehow I feel we are closer than ever. I love him so much!

So that should make up for my not having blogged in a hundred years. It feels good to write some of this stuff out.

Reflections on the debates

2008-10-16T03:04:23Z

I just listened to today's US Presidential debates and am left feeling nauseaus.

I find McCain revolting to start with, but his comments on "choice" and abortion really made me feel sick.
McCains version of choice... I mean regardless of what your views on abortion are, if you are going to make it necessary for a woman to bring a child into the world, lets make it a nice world, shall we, where "women's health" isnt scoffed at as a cheap line used by pro-chocie people.
I think if they want to eliminate choice they better make America one hell of a great place to be a single mom, young or old.
But the fact is that he wont. If I became pregnant tomorrow and had no choice but to keep the pregnancy, I would be in real serious trouble. Why? because I dont have health insurance, and I wouldnt be able to get it because I am pregnant and that would disqualify me immediately from reasonably affordable healthcare... If McCain is forcing women to keep their babies I want to see a comprehensive plan about how I can raise my child the way that I believe a child should be raised.
How can I stay home long enough to exclusively breastfeed my child for six months and continue to breastfeed for the WHO recommended 2 yrs?
How can I continue to persue my education and become self sufficient with a young child?

How can I ensure that I will be able to afford healthcare for my family?

McCain seems to think that its no big deal to bring a child into this world with few resources, and minimal social programs(but thank god for tax cuts!) and that adopting a child is an easy option.

Up yours, McCain!

Stealing things

2008-09-27T07:15:50Z

I am all about stealing things from other peoples blogs and then filling them out on my own, to create my own content without being creative or doing any work. Shortcuts...
So this is a little thing I thought was fun that I stole from an Oregon Mom's blog and thought I would fill out for myself

Four jobs I've had:

Apprentice at Photography studio
Doula
PR for a circus clown
Contributing (horrifyingly enough) to the present US mortgage crisis

Four movies I can watch over and over:

The Godfather I & II
The Breakfast Club
So I married an Axe Murderer
I dont know, most movies because my memory for films is so poor I dont remember them enough to make it redundant

Four places I've lived:

Portland, Or
Montreal, QC
Glasgow Scotland
Ottawa, On

Four TV shows I love:

Four places I've vacationed:

Various locations in Sweden and Denmark
The Scottish Countryside, Edinburgh
Sarasota, FL
Dingy roadside motels across canada

Four of my favorite dishes:

Roasted chickens with Nola and Laura(its the company that counts for this one)
A properly cooked rare steak
Salmon a la me!
Lemon squares also a la me! (I am obviously my own favourite chef!)

Four sites I visit daily:

Gmail
MDC
Craigslist
Facebook

Four places I would rather be right now:

A house that I own
Somewhere hot
In Montreal with my friends
In the midst of a wild adventure

So there. Thats all for now, but I am going to keep posting things I steal from other peoples blogs. This will really increase my blog productivity.

I have developed insomnia, as a sidenote.

Interesting

2008-09-26T08:18:51Z

I found this on an Oregon Midwife/Mama's blog and thought it was fun.
It works like this

How the Omnivore’s 100 Works:
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.

2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.

3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

4) Optional: Post a comment at Very Good Taste, linking to your results.

My Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison

2. Nettle tea

3. Huevos rancheros

4. Steak Tartare

5. Crocodile

6. Black Pudding

7. Cheese fondue

8. Carp

9. Borsht

10. Baba ghanoush

11. ~~Calamari~~

12. Pho

13. PB&J sandwich

14. Aloo Gobi(I dont know what this is?)

15. Hot dog from a street cart

16. Epoisses (dont know what this is either?)

17. Black truffle

18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes

19. Steamed Pork Buns

20. Pistachio ice cream

21. Heirloom tomatoes

22. Fresh wild berries

23. Foie gras

24. Rice and beans

25. Brawn or head cheese

26. Raw Scotch Bonnet Pepper

27. Dulce de leche

28. Oysters

29. Baklava

30. Bagna cauda

31. Wasabi peas

32. ~~Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl~~

33. Salted lassi

34. Sauerkraut

35. Root beer float

36. Cognac

37. Clotted cream tea

38. Vodka Jelly/Jell-O

39. Gumbo

40. Oxtail

41. Curried Goat (that actually sounds deeeelicious to me!)

42. Whole insects

43. Phaal (dont know what this one is)

44. Goat’s milk

45. Malt Whiskey from a bottle worth $120 or more (In great quantity with great great pleasure! A great christmas gift to myself is a good bottle of single malt scotch!)

46. Fugu

47. Chicken tikka masala

48. Eel

49. Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Doughnut (my favourite in highschool!)

50. Sea urchin

For some reason now it wont let me unbold stuff so the things I have not had are starred.
51. Prickly Pear*

52. Umeboshi*

53. Abalone*

54. Paneer*

55. McDonald’s Big Mac meal

56. Spaetzle

57. Dirty gin Martini ( I dont know what dirty means but I have definitely had some gin martinis)

58. Beer above 8% ABV

59. Poutine (I am from Montreal!)

60. Carob chips

61. S’mores

62. Sweetbreads

63. Kaolin( I looked this up and it said clay in abundance in tropical soils... no I have not eaten this!????)

64. Currywurst???

65. Durian (These are getting a bit obscure)

66. Frog's Legs

67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake

68. Haggis (I regret not trying this in scotland, alas I was a vegetarian then- I will try it sometime)

69. Fried plantain

70. Chitterlings or andouillette I think I can safely say I wouldnt go for this one.

71. Gazpacho

72. Caviar and blini

73. Louche absinthe

74. Gjetost or brunost

75. Roadkill

76. Baijiu

77. Hostess Fruit Pie

78. Snail

79. Lapsang Souchong

80. Bellini

81. Tom Yum

82. Eggs Benedict

83. Pocky

84. 3 Michelin Star Tasting Menu

85. Kobe Beef (Ive heard this beef is theeeeee best- but it kind of goes against the local philosophy)

86. Hare

87. Goulash

88. Flowers

89. Horse

90. Crillo chocolate

91. Spam

92. ~~Soft shell crab~~

93. Rose harissa

94. Catfish

95. Mole poblano

96. Bagel and lox

97. Lobster Thermidor

98. Polenta

99. Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee

100. Snake (Maybe I could go for it)

So I am pretty pleased to see that I would eat most things, other than anything involving seafood or parts of animals I have no desire to eat, and that I have tried most things Ive heard of... not bad!

Now I am hungry....

Arrived in Portland

2008-09-12T03:22:54Z

Alas, I have arrived in Portland after a fun but patience testing couple of months of looking for housing, packing, driving across the country, visiting family, unpacking, etc.
I am exhausted, and now have to face reality: I need clients, or a job schlepping food at a pub. I definitely prefer to be doing my profession, something that is exciting, challenging and that my family and I have put a couple thousand dollars into me learning how to do. However, I dont have the inital investment to put into a professional website, business cards, brochures. Moving across the country is a very expensive venture and I haven't much-in terms of resources-left. I have gotten emails from the girls back home saying they are bursting with work and wish I was there to take the load off and I dont even know where to get my first client here. It is daunting.

In other news I have started school and so far so good. I like the teacher of my class and some of the girls seem great. It is definitely going to be a fun challenge. I am looking forward to digging into more classes in January and hopefully the full program in March. I hear that Birthingway has received my application, but no response yet.

Anyways, I am tired and overwhelmed but I thought I would take the time to write in my much neglected little blog.

Today I am thankful for: My mom, for all the hard work she has done helping me with this move; my relatives for amazing support and lots of fun; my cat for tolerating six days and six nights in a car and motel rooms and relatives houses; Portland for being a cool place to live

Thanful

2008-06-27T03:30:40Z

I forgot to post what I am grateful for today. Today I am grateful for movies, most specifically James Bond movies. And Sparkling mineral water. These things make me very happy.
Oh... and that my bike wasnt stolen, and that strangers are helping me with my move out west, and my wonderful family.
I am thankful for lots of things today.

In my humble opinion

2008-06-27T03:22:33Z

The SOGC (Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada) recently released a (shocking!) report that 1 in 4 babies are born by caesarean section, and that this is, in fact, too many(gasp!).
I will start this off by mentioning that 'the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada is comprised of over 3,000 professional members, including gynaecologists, obstetricians, family physicians, nurses, midwives and allied health professionals.'
Really? Midwives? Hm.. Interesting. I was not aware that midwives were a part of this, considering its the Canadian ACOG. I am totally in support of midwives and OBs working together however I am not comfortable with midwives being included in an traditional obstetrical think-tank. I tried to find their position statement on homebirth, as I thought it might show a direct conflict of interest, and could not find one in support or opposition. I could only find a statement against unassisted childbirth, which few practitioners are comfortable with, and even little radical old me wouldnt go so far...
So I dont know what I think or have to say about the SOGC, but that I will be keeping my eye out from now on. Right now I shall plead ignorance.

However I did have some observations and comments to be made about the report.
The SOGC actually predominately blames obeisity for the increase in caesarean birth, saying that the rise in ceaserean section has coincided almost perfectly preportionately with the rise in female obeisity. Also to blame is an unwillingness in physicians to take risks, a fear of litigation; a malpractice suit, sends physicians hastily to the OR when things arent straight along the friedman curve.

My anecdotal and purely experienced based thoughts on the primary cause of caesarean(again, this is my speculation vs. SOGCs)
-General haste, a desire for things to get done, and to do things. Birth is slow, and for medical staff, boring, if left to its own devices. Labour can normally and safely go on for many days. Its like watching ice melt. But if you bring out a hair dryer, then maybe a toaster oven and eventually a blow torch it is faster and a hell of a lot more exciting.
-As touched on previously, the need to do. To get in and meddle, and play with really exciting scientific experiements. Why use a pencil when you have a laptop, especially a new top of the line one?
The result of this is an abstraction of reality. Most doctors have never seen a natural normal birth, therefore dont really believe it can happen. This lack of faith in women to give birth is a leading cause of caesarean. Someone has to save this woman from her baby, or baby from women, or mother and baby from nature, or whatever, so someone, preferably a trained obstetrician and his special tools need to get in there and get this show over with. I hear an alarming number of stories about how thank god the OB was there because of this emergency and that. This is disproportionate to the number of true obstetrical emergencies.
-This meddling, to begin with interferes with the birth process. Rarely do things happen naturally and normally after the first intervention and it is usually quite easy for it all to get swept away
-Induction. I would say this is one of the single greatest causes of unneccesary caesarean section. Perfectly healthy women are induced after 41 weeks for no scientific medical reasons, inspite of non-stress tests and ultrasounds that show perfect health of the fetus, despite bishops scores that indicate that induction will not be successful. Inductions are handed out like candy when they are unneccessary and they are dangerous. An induction can be lifesaving intervention when used properly but the numbers today are insane. I might add that it is also awfully unpleasant.
I should also mention that a lot of phyisicians are not taking into consideration differences in the length of a womans cycle and are miscalculating her due date. The calculations that are being done based on 28 day cycle despite the fact that that is not the case with all women. Therefore a woman with a 35 day cycle may be induced before her actual due date.
-Lack of skill of newer practitioners to deal with more complicated vaginal delivery such as breech or multiples. These deliveries can be performed by a skilled practitioners. Also a lack of skill with instrumental deliveries: vacuum extractor and forceps. While still invasive and unpleasant, these are still significantly less invasive that caesarean section. Newer OBs are far less likely to use these tools and tend to resort immediately to caesarean birth.
-Obstetrical myths-Most notably CPD(Cephalo Pelvic Disproportionism). This is diagnosed WAY too often. Women can pass babies they grow, except in the rare case of some sort of pathology in either the infant or the pelvis. I have heard many stories about 13lb babies being born to petite women, so it completely nauseautes me when an average sized 5'9 woman is told she cant give birth vaginally to a 9.5 lb baby. Give me a break. Not true. Bad science. Wrong.
Other obstetrical myths might include 'You cant vaginally birth a baby if you are under five feet' or 'if you have had a previous caesarean' or 'if you are over 45'
-Thats another point-lack of support for VBAC. All women should be give the support and TIME to try a VBAC
-General nonsense of giving birth in hospitals- May include: crotchety staff, silly old school myths specific to some nurse or OB, dumb ass hospital policy like constant monitoring and IV, derogatory comments, the friedman curve, clocks, hospital beds(and the silly notion that somehow we should birth on our backs), fake fetal distress due to stupid continuous monitoring and jumpy staff, lack of labour support... oh and the list goes on and on and on and on... really....
-The obvious points of ease and efficiency and convenient schedulability.

I am sure I have missed many but my points started to get more snarky by the hypen so I thought I'd quit before I get myself in trouble. Anyways just my humble opinions on some of the causes of caesarean not mentioned by the SOGC.

The main thing that has been troubling me lately is that a lot of this stuff is BAD SCIENCE. BAD MEDICINE. SCIENTIFICALLY INCORRECT. DISPROVEN. Things that have scientifically been indicated to be untrue are still perpetuated by obstetrics, and medicine in general.
Case in point; homebirth. ACOG and AMA have stated that homebirth is dangerous. That if an emergency occurs they are less likely to deal with emergency. The trouble is, all the golden standard studies have been done, time and time and time again, for years, and they all (except a few studies lead by the societies themselves) report that homebirth is AS SAFE if not SAFER than hospital birth. Look to Michel Odent who conducted a worldwide study for the WHO. Dr Lewis Mehl Madrona who conducted several smaller studies in the United States , the studies are numberous and well conducted. The fact is that the scientific methods developed by scientists and physicians are being applied and disregarded out of pure ignorance and self-interest. Its infuriating. How can they not see themselves? How are they so blind?

I've got to get to bed before I get too riled up.
Rant finised

Overdue

2008-06-19T14:01:00Z

So I havent posted in a month and a half. I really do have a hard time keeping on top of these sorts of things.
Its a good excercise for the soul to write journals/blogs etc but somehow I just cannot manage to maintain it.

Well Its June 19th, I basically have just over a month left of living in Montreal and then I am off. So far I havent even been remotely sentimental about it. This is despite my total romantacism about the place, though, I would argue that that romanticism is almost purely aesthetic, archetectural, sensual; very little having to do with the people, not even like, Leonard Cohen. Its a cozy home, a beautiful home, but a bit of a lonely home. It has been my gestation to adulthood for the last several years, changing periods of growth, emotion, sense of self. I am ready to be born into something a little more full, more complete, without the feotal isolation of gestation.
That being said saturday I am having to say a real goodbye to the first person in Montreal I will really miss. Rivka is leaving for Italy on Monday and I am going to keep her company on Shabbos this saturday, and then I wont see her for at least a year. Rivka has been one of the most important mentors and friends I've ever had, so I am going to seriously miss her. She sent me off with a wonderful letter of recommendation for birthingway however, of which the last line is 'Stephanie has midwife hands'. I love that, that statement means more to me than any other(she didnt mention that my fondness for sleep was one of my most telling good-midwife qualities.
I will also be sad to say goodbye to Ali, but we are kindred, so I know we shall reconvene very soon, and for a long time, quite probably when we have our babies, our Cedars.
Saying goodbye to Flinder will be tough, but that has been a gradual process that I have started to go through already.
And Laura, I am going to send her weekly pictures of my dinners.

Anyways that is about the extent to which I get sentimental these days, so there.

Anyways Sarah and I have started to forumulate our business plan and think about moving and houses and whatnot and things are going quite well in that respect. The main issues being getting Sarah an immigrant visa and finding a place to live in the ten days I am in portland.

This might be the least interesting blog entry I have written. I will write more when I am a little bit more alive.

Happy Mother's day

2008-05-10T21:44:35Z

I am posting this a day in advance because I have three kids birthday parties so I will be busy as a bee.

It is mother's day. One day to appreciate the people who work enormously hard, sacrifice constantly, provide for us, and love us unconditionally.
I am so fortunate. My mother is incredible. My mama had me at the young age of twenty three. Despite her young age, and living a small community with its own issues my mother was a model of what we now call AP(attatchment parenting) which wasnt a movement with a title at the time. She breastfed, babywore and really got down and dirty and had a good time with us. I remember my childhood so well and with incredible fondness. I have vivid memories of the mornings my mom spent with me before going to Kindegarden in the afternoon. I remember watching sesame street with her, followed by 'the urban chef' (remember that guy, bald head, white beard?) I remember making some of the recipes from the show for lunch. Most memorable being open faced tomato cheese and basil sandwiches.... I still remember the taste. I also remember eating peanut butter sandwiches on brown bread with sunflower seeds sprinkled on top... How weird is that?

I always remember my mom having fun. I really always felt like she enjoyed hanging out with us. She was attentive and interested and engaged. She cuddled us always, and always let me crawl into bed with her when I was scared(still does!). I remember so clearly our camping trips with Steve and Cindo and Jimmy and all the kids and how mama always took time to show us cool stuff in nature; to implant a reverence for the earth and the wild. I remember being woken up at 2 in the morning as a kid at the cottage so my mom could show us the northern lights. I remember that when we were camping we didnt eat camp food... not canned beans(well... except dad) and junk we ate salmon and caesar salad and other epicurian delights.

I remember reading 'The Witches' by Roald Dahl and mama and grandma and Renee got so into it with me. I loved pretending to be a witch with these wonderful women.

I was a rotten and bratty teenager who pushed every limit I could, my mama tolerated me, loved me anyways, and was patient and supportive. She was firm and strong, but sensitive to my pain. When I was falling in love and having my heart broken mama always gave me so much love. I dont know what I would have done without her.

As I took the path less travelled and did not go to university mama, though worried, supported my choices.
I love that now we are such good friends. I love that I can call her and tell her a three hour long birth story and she is interested. I love that we can discuss so many things in common and that we have so much fun together. I love that we can learn from eachother and discuss our differences. I feel so lucky to have such a great bond with my sweet wonderful mama.

Mama planted the seeds of a love for literature, the outdoors, human beings, food, wine, gardening, health, and most importantly, myself.
It is because of my mothers love and support that I am a confident adult. That I have had the strength and enginuity to persue the path less trodden. It is because she encouraged my creativity and free-spiritedness that I found my calling and that I am so happy today. It is because of my mother that when I walk to work I walk slowly and look at flowers and archetecture and sometimes well up with tears for the beauty of it all. It is because of my mother's uncondition love that I feel that I can do anything I set my mind to. It is because of my mother's non judgmental openess that I am a spiritual and at peace person today (mama doesnt know it but she is sooooooo zen). Its because of my mama that I am actually good at what I do, naturally calm and composed and aware.
It is because of my mama that I am so eager to have my own kids; that I know that I will be good at it, and that I will absolutely love it.... and that I will have a reliable baby sitter.... hehe. It is because of my mother that I believe in women, and I believe in myself.

I LOVE YOU MAMA!

Grateful

2008-05-10T19:32:40Z

I forgot to mention what I am grateful for. Today I am grateful for my mama teaching me to love food. I am presently enjoying a fantastic fresh mexican style burritto with cilantro and lime. It is delicious. I am also thankful for beef.....

Oh and I am thankful for Maya and our wonderful conversations, and bad/good influence on eachother.... ;)

sagenaissance @ 2008-05-10T13:39:00

2008-05-10T19:00:09Z

This blog keeps going more and more towards birth. I find I have very little else to talk about. My mind is on birth and all things related most of the time. Its very alienating for most people. I am thankful there are a few people around that are really interested. I am just so career driven these days, nothing else gets me moving. If i am not attending births, prenatals, classes, workshops etc. I am at home reading the birth pages on MDC, watching UCs and homebirths on Youtube and dreaming about finally attending some home births. I am summarizing births, writing in my blog about births, I am debreifing from births with my mom or a girlfriend, discussing birth with pregnant friends or strangers... It really has consumed me as of late..... well birth and violent mafia movies... (going to rent goodfellas)

Last night I went to yet another party. Lots of nice people, lots of booze, and very little that I wanted to be a part of. I really am not enjoying the social land outside of doula class, and our saturday night dinners at home with a few friends.
I feel a lot of the time that I am not being true to myself drinking and partying, but if I didnt I'd be pretty lonely.
Its hard to bridge the gap being way too young for what I do, what I am interested in etc. and having no desire to participate in typical early twenties social behavior...

The mountains will be my friends soon.........

Also thinking a lot about my moving out west. I cant wait. I know the time is flying by towards it and I am elated to be running towards mystery again. Its always given me such a buzz to pick up and start over. I have more mixed feelings about it this time. Im going to miss Rivka and Lesley really badly. (I told Lesley her and Riv are coming out west to catch my babies whenever I have 'em). But really I am just thrilled by what I am heading towards, just thrilled. I am excited about the city. Everyone has such wonderful things to say about Portland. I am excited by the nature. I cannot wait to skip out of town to the mountains or the coast. I am excited to be on the west coast where I can travel to visit friends in BC and finally explore california and many of the cities Ive always fancied visiting in the west. I am excited (most) to be in a different social universe & meet the man of my dreams who is waiting out there for me ;) ....... I am thrilled to get to know my west coast relatives a little better, my cousins in portland. I look forward to spending time with my aunt Renee and Leight who have shown such enormous kindness and generosity towards me. They are so much fun to be with and I look forward to some crazy adventures with them (including hanging in NYC with them a couple days this summer!) I am excited to get my start in the world of midwifing.

Anyways I am rambling, but sometimes I am truly in awe of my life. It is spectacular where I am now, how far Ive come. I truly lead a charmed life.

In the wake of my first caesarean.

2008-05-07T16:13:08Z

I just found this article posted on Brooklyn Doula's Blog
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1731904,00.html

Choosy moms choose caesareans. I dont even know how to respond to the article. It very much portrays elective caesarean to be an empowered feminist choice. Is it? It seems, by the article, that her desire to have a c-section comes from a place of fear of vaginal birth, and of intervention. And probably she was informed of the risks of caesarean section, however was she informed of the beauty of a natural vaginal birth? I dont know, it just made me think about the choice to have a major abdominal surgery above the more safer option, and what can be a very beautiful option. Admittedly though, it can be scary and traumatic. Vaginal birth in a hospital is actually prone to be, particularly when you dont know what you are getting yourself into. Which is better; uninformed traumatic vaginal birth, or informed elective caesarean? Good question.
This brings me to mention that I attended a birth that resulted in caesarean from monday morning to tuesday morning. I am finally recovering from the exhaustion of 24 hrs of hard work at the hospital. The birth was a medically unneccessary induction. However, the client was very aware of the risks of induction, and that her induction was not medically neccessary, merely that her doctor was taking holiday shortly after and he wanted her to have her baby before then. she was 41wks 3 days gestation. At this point I will remind that the average gestation of a premipara is 41.5 weeks, and that the UK considers gestation to be 42 weeks. As far as I am concerned baby's are due when they decide to come out, but anyways... My client went in for the induction fully informed and with the intention of doing it naturally, and laboured for 15 hours with strong Synto/Pit contractions. What a champ. In the end though she got an epidural and her baby just was not ready to come so it ended in caesarean. Sad, for a woman who wanted natural birth, but it was with full information and awareness of the risks that she entered into that induction. I shall add that the nurses at Lakeshore hospital were absolutely incredible and so supportive and compassionate to my client. I have never had such a tremendously positive experience with staff.

Anyways now Im buzzed on coffee so I should go.
I just found out that someone I know who I am rather fond of is pregnant. Yippee!

Putting off going to work......

2008-05-02T15:34:41Z

Fridays are the worst day for will. My boss isnt at work so I can come and go whenever I please. I tend to go for two hours and thats it. Its friday, its almost eleven and I'm still not there. Yick, I wish I was better with this sort of thing....

I fell of a chair which I was standing on yesterday and now I am seriously out of joint and sore all over... ouch.... non-sequitor.

I've just attended a neonatal ressuccitation course in addition to a linked course called Simple tools for Birth practitioners, both of which where by midwife Karen Strange. It turns out mom was renewing her Code blue the same day and ended up doing NNR too. It was really interesting for us to compare notes on what was taught at each; the hospital NNR course, and the 'midwife model' NNR.
Most poigniantly:
My mama was telling me they introducted the oh-so-novel idea that if the baby does not need recuss. that it should be placed directly on the the mother.
My course was teaching the oh-so-novel idea that if the baby does need recuss. then the cord should (still) be left intact and the recuss should take place directly beside the mother.

In addition to that there was a lot of emphasis on not prematurely clamping the cord, that is not clamping before THREE MINUTES so that the baby can regain blood volume, and that the cord really shouldnt be clamped for at least an hour because, for one thing, the less done in the hour immediately after birth the better, thus allowing the family to enjoy that delicious oxytocin high that is a kind of once in a lifetime bonding experience, that, goddamnit, mother and baby and partner diserve after all that HARD WORK! No messing around with that baby or the mother unless it is MEDICALLY NECCESSARY.
This of course is obvious/an integral part of the midwifery model of care, however I have seen a lot of homebirth videos where the midwives to a lot of unneccesary messing around after birth. Karens course was a great reminder that (and she repeats this over and over and over again) that "BIRTH IS DESIGNED TO WORK INCASE NO BODY WAS THERE" Hilarious concept huh? Wild, Imagine that, our bodies and the process designed by God/mother nature/whomever, actually working? And humans coming and screwing it up? inconceivable! chuckle....
I love midwifery. Midwives are so badass.

Anyways part of the midwifery recuss course was a discussion of the baby's experience, prenatally, during birth and shortly after. She introduced another novel idea: babys are people and have experiences... WOW. So, think about it.... A kid can experience a trauma of say, being hit by a car, at age one, before they can vocalize or explain their feelings verbally. They may not be able to remember the experience of being hit by a car but the trauma would no less exist and would likely be acknowledged by the parents, or a therapist or whatever...
Now imagine birth, namely hospital birth. First of all birth is intense for the newborn, lots of head squeezing, turning, pushing, maybe moments of getting stuck and bam, you hit cold air, and everyone in the room makes a lot of noise, you have a big bulb syringe shoved down your throat, you are launched onto a squishy stomach, and before you can collect yourself someone comes at you with a towel and starts rubbing you down aggressively and all of a sudden your vital force(the placenta) which has fed you for the last 9 months is cut off and low and behold you need oxygen so you give it a try, you struggle to open your lungs and gasp.... oh more bulb syringe, flicking feet, and you are lifted from your mother and taking across the room under a big light and dry heat and someone is putting gunk in your eyes and flicking your feet and all of a sudden you have 100% oxygen blowing into your teeny little lungs... you get the picture. Kind of intense and scary.

It seems a big new agey to talk about baby's birth trauma... pretty out there? It is simply unscientific not to! The baby is a little person! They are experiencing that whole thing, they may not be able to articulate it, but they may express it in their own way. For instance baby's who have either a bulb syringe launched into their throat or are forcefully introduced to breastfeeding may throw their head back everytime they go on the breast, or cry when they go on the breast because of the trauma of something forced into their mouths.
Really, is it that off base, when you really think about it to consider a newborns experience? We are introducing babies into this world by trauma, the most significant of which is separating mother from baby. There is really no excuse for this. It is cruel and unusual, mother and baby should not be separated under any circumstances. There is no reason a baby can not be recussitated beside the mother.
Anyways thats enough.... I could go on for days about the horrors of hospital birth, but I'd rather just help prevent them by being a doula and slowly but surely, and without their knowing, making doctors change their ways..... muahahahah sneaky!

So that was long. Ive decided also that it is a good excercise to remark what I am grateful for each time I write a blog. There are so many things.
Today I will say I am grateful for strong women. My client, an immigrant from China who is alone in Montreal refused an induction without any instruction or prompting from me, just based on her knowing, her mother's intuition about what is right. Yippeee! This woman is going to have a fantastic birth because she knows that her body is wise.. So I am grateful for strong in tune women(like my mama, like me, like my teachers) taking it back, taking our bodies back. Woo Hoo!

Someones got a case of the Tuesdays

2008-04-29T15:23:43Z

It is incredible to me that I work in an office doing administrative work. It is truly boring, I waste huge amounts of time at work. I am writing in my blog at work. For this I feel very guilty. But what am I to do? I dont understand my job to be honest. I get easily confused. I try to do good work but I dont get it. It seems somewhat meaningless in a lot of ways. I wouldn't feel so guilty about not enjoying my job if I wasn't so fond of my boss and his family, just all of this business stuff is bizzare.
I understand money management, business, expenses, taxes, yadda yadda yadda but this job takes it to a whole new and very confusing extreme.
Anyhow despite the fact that I find my job to be painful and tedious I have been tremendously moved by the day to day lately. Everything has been so joyful for me this year. On the way to work this morning I bought a coffee at Olympico and walked in the drizzle and became teary just for the pure beauty of the street I was walking on, the flowers, the reality, the humanity. This happens often. I am a softie? Sentimental? Romantic? Sure, but surely also grounded. If anything it is not a loftiness that makes me like this, it is an awareness. It is wonderful. I hope I can sustain this joyfullness forever.....
Now off to file company taxes and romp around business skyscrapers downtown in a dirty pair of chuck taylor hightops. Such is my style.

Oh, and apparently my mother's friends read my blog. Hi mom's friends! Nurses are wonderful and important beings and I value you enormously. :)